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It was a warm summer night when I found her.
Her dress was white with yellow sunflowers,
and her auburn hair was spread out around her pale face.

It looked like an ever changing halo
moving gently in a soft breeze.

She had lost a shoe

Like Cinderella

Her deep, blue eyes stared into heaven
and the freckles of her skin drew constellations
against the pale background to mirror the stars above.

Fish gently nibbled at her fingers and nestled in her hair
paying no heed to her ruby lips which her last breath had left open
almost like an invitation.

I looked at her
fascinated

I loved her...

Thinking it was the least I could do
now that she had been so carelessly abandoned.
Forgotten
It was my duty to remember her.

I took the memory of her and stuffed it away
for safe keeping
The rest was just a shell
now empty and soon decayed.

Then I left
leaving only the pond behind to swallow its secrets.
A small poem that came to be last night, out of nowhere, after having been drinking way too many energy drinks. My mind went down a slightly macabre road, and I just followed and took notes! Comments, critique and criticism is always welcomed :D
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:icontheheartofshanna:
theheartofShanna Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Pretty pretty
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:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2013
Thank you very much :D
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:iconkoolshakes:
KoolShakes Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
lovely!
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:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2013
Thank you :D
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:iconkoolshakes:
KoolShakes Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
welcome !!! :-)
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:iconlivingdreamer97:
LivingDreamer97 Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This was so gorgeously heart breaking... :happycry: Amazing work. ^.^
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:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013
Thank you very much :) Happy you like it :D
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:iconlivingdreamer97:
LivingDreamer97 Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! ^.^
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:iconlittleblueraccoon:
littleblueraccoon Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013  Student Writer
I love this! Something about the line "She had lost a shoe/Like Cinderella" gives me incredible chills. Like, there's a dead girl floating in the water, and you describe it with a reference to a fairy tale. The contrast is so creepy.

Well done! :hug:
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:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013
Thank you so very much for the sweet comment :D I am very happy you like the poem :D :hug:
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:iconlittleblueraccoon:
littleblueraccoon Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013  Student Writer
No problem, I loved it! 
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:iconbronzevalim:
BronzeValim Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2013  Student
That was amazing!!!! That is so good. Some scened, I usually have trouble putting to words you totally nailed!
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:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2013
Thank you so very much for the nice comment :D I am happy you like it! :)
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:iconbronzevalim:
BronzeValim Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2013  Student
: D I loved it!
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:iconlizilicious:
lizilicious Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Lovely little image you've created here; some of the similes and metaphors in particular you've made create really vivid pictures in my mind. The ones I liked in particular were:

It looked like an ever changing halo
moving gently in a soft breeze.

and the freckles of her skin drew constellations
against the pale background to mirror the stars above.

paying no heed to her ruby lips which her last breath had left open
almost like an invitation.


I also like the abrupt ending, in which the persona claims love but leaves her behind in the pond.

There are, however, occasional moments when the poem feels more like it's telling, rather than showing. But these are on the more narrative parts of the poem, such as the beginning. There is one part though that bothers me because the rhythm feels a little off:

I looked at her
fascinated

I loved her...


I suppose because this was when the emotional height of the poem fell a little flat, as it was just a statement rather than using the previous, powerful images, to convey the fascination and beauty that the persona had been using.

Other than that, I find that this poem has very vivid colors and pictures, and ignites just enough curiosity about what happened and how the persona is going to react. I'd say it's a pretty good presentation of human nature; reminds me a little of the Kitty Genovese murders in showing how apathetic people can be, even with claims of "love."

Very good work! :clap:
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:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2013
Wow! Thank you so very much for the elaborate critique! :D It is truly appreciated!!! I am very happy that you like the images used, and I appreciate the feedback :) I will keep it in mind for future works! Often when I write, the words just pop up in my mind, and I write them down as they come with no thought for shape, form, or style. I just write them down before I forget them :D Thank you for taking the time to give me this nice critique!! :D
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:iconlizilicious:
lizilicious Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No problem, glad to help however I can through constructive feedback! :D
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:iconflightlessheron:
flightlessheron Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2013  Student Writer
your piece has been featured here and is eligible
for the feature game. read the rules in the journal if you
are interested in playing. -->[link]

:heart:
Reply
:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2013
Thank you so very, very much for the feature :D I am very happy you like my poem, and I will definently see about participating in the feature game :)
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:iconflightlessheron:
flightlessheron Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2013  Student Writer
of course, dear! you are very welcome (:
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:icontylerp1991:
tylerp1991 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
very interesting :)
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:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013
Thank you :) I am happy you like it :)
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:icontylerp1991:
tylerp1991 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
indeed :iconimhappyplz:
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:iconfootnoting:
Footnoting Featured By Owner May 30, 2013
Wow! This has also the mysterious indeterminancy of Aickman's finest tales, but with the brevity and compression that only poetry can give. This poem stands as an example for many of us to follow.
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:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner May 30, 2013
:blush: Wow, thank you so very much for the really sweet comment :) I am very happy you like it :D It is the weirdest things that my mind comes up with late at night, but this was definently one of the better things :) Thank you!
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:iconfootnoting:
Footnoting Featured By Owner May 30, 2013
The poem is majorly good. Are you familiar with Aickman's work?
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:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner May 30, 2013
I have to admit that I am not :)
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:iconfootnoting:
Footnoting Featured By Owner May 30, 2013
You should look him up. He is well worth the effort. He makes you work, but repays the effort at the end of each story.
Reply
:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner May 31, 2013
I might do that some time :) Thanks for the recommendation :)
Reply
:iconfootnoting:
Footnoting Featured By Owner May 31, 2013
He has 47 ghost stories, and a couple of novels, but the novels are very hard to acquire. You can get a sense of his stuff on the internet, but nothing substitutes for just reading story after story, letting that strange voice, and the even stranger (but always believable) details of the story draw you further in. His greatest (and, I think, longest short story" is "Pages From A Young Girl's Journal" a chilling first person narrative in which Aickman, who was then a 64 yeard old ex-architect, successfulyy and convincingly takes on the voice of an adolescent girl of the early 19th century. It's final line, which looks very innocous if you happen to glance at the last page, seems perfectly ordinary; but if you have read every word up to that line, it is very, very unsettling.

For an equally excellent reading experience, also try the British diplomat, John Wall (1910-1989) who wrote under the pen name, Sarban. He, too, will really take you for a ride.
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:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013
They sound like awesome writers :) I will take a look and see if I can find any of their works on the internet when I have better time :) Thank you for recommending them.
Reply
:iconhelltoastiii:
HellToastIII Featured By Owner May 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This would make a great story. However, it would be difficult to make it not sound like Marchlands. Still, an interesting piece.
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:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner May 27, 2013
Thank you for the kind comment :) I do not know this "Marchlands" thing you mention, but I have no doubt there are many stories and poems out there with a similar theme :)
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:iconhelltoastiii:
HellToastIII Featured By Owner May 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Marchlands was a TV series about the death of a girl who drown. It was on in the UK, so you must not live there.
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:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner May 27, 2013
:D You're right about that ^^ I live in Denmark, and don't watch much T.V. as it is :D
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:iconhelltoastiii:
HellToastIII Featured By Owner May 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'll be keeping an eye out for your work in future, I think.
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:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner May 27, 2013
:bow: Very much appreciated, thank you :) I am happy you like my work :D
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:iconsevenofeleven:
sevenofeleven Featured By Owner May 25, 2013
Its been two years since I drowned Emily, um, Emily drowned herself. Everyone was so supportive and kind. Had no more desire for dark and shadowy Staffordsshire with its many deep dark ponds. With a little bit of misgiving, I left for the Coast and Brighton with its gay crowds and bright night life.

There I was enjoying a special coffee, its fragrance made me feel so calm until it changed to the smell of rank standing pond water. I looked into my cup and got such a fright. Emily's face was floating on the surface. It was not really her face, it was her face after Nature had her way with it. I screamed and knocked the cup over.

The patrons looked up from their interests and gave me their full attention. I so do not like being the center of that! A few minutes passed and one by one they stopped looking at me.

Too bad I must give up Coffee.

This snippet was inspired by your poem.
Its a good read.
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:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner May 26, 2013
*Chuckles* I am happy you found it to be inspiring :P And yes, I can imagine whoever did the deed might have a bit of trouble with his/her concience :D Not a ad little snippet either! :D
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:iconsevenofeleven:
sevenofeleven Featured By Owner May 26, 2013
Thanks.

I could see a whole story coming from that.
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:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner May 26, 2013
Yeah :) Me too!
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:iconsevenofeleven:
sevenofeleven Featured By Owner May 26, 2013
Why don't we write our stories and see how they compare?
Just for laughs.
The event does not start until you do your snippet.
The snippets have to be in the story. You do not have to write the snippet exactly but pretty close.
We post on the same day.

I have a pretty good idea where to go with my story.

It would be interesting to see what variations come from one poem.
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:iconcmb9139:
CMB9139 Featured By Owner May 24, 2013
The poem beautifully captures the first person's fascination with the girl. I love this.
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:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner May 25, 2013
Thank you very much for the kind comment :) I am happy you like it :D
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:iconyouwontgetwhatyousee:
YouWontGetWhatYouSee Featured By Owner May 24, 2013  Student General Artist
woah I imagined a girl then had to read it again still very awe struck nice
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:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner May 24, 2013
Thanks a lot for the nice comment :) I am happy it evoked pictures in your mind :) And I am glad you like it! :D
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:iconxxleeannthewolfxx:
xXLeeAnnTheWolfXx Featured By Owner May 24, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Fascinating! I love it!
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:iconridderkvinden:
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner May 24, 2013
Thank you very much for the sweet comment :) I'm happy you like it :)
Reply
:iconxxleeannthewolfxx:
xXLeeAnnTheWolfXx Featured By Owner May 24, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Why your welcome. Glad to tell a true poet the truth. :iconluvluvplz:
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