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Litrature by blackven

stories by sbclover

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Submitted on
July 5, 2013
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721 bytes


269 (who?)
Sleep child
Pretend the carousel of life doesn't make you queasy
Dance in the spider webs they ensnare you within
To eventually drain you.

Dance child
Entangle the strings attached to your body and soul
Let them try to solve the knots and tangles
Slip away when cut.

Sing child
Let your silent cries call out to Heaven above
Deafen the devils and the tormentors of Hell
Even though you're mute.

Kill child
Make them pay and make them all bleed out
Shroud them in spider webs and their dangling threads
Then go to sleep.
Out of nowhere, this struck down. Any and all feedback is as always highly appreciated :)
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WhisperingWillow19 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
o.o I. Love. This. It is so amazing. I have had similar sensations and well experiences that relate to this very, very well. Wonderful.

fayjan19 Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i am still a child...and always will be
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013
:D In some ways, most of us always will be, somewhere deep inside :)
fayjan19 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
aaa yes ..forever n ever more!
BlueDiamondSnow Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
What's sad about this, is too many children in this world probably need this lullaby sung to them. Excellent.
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2013
Thank you very much for the sweet comment :D I am happy you like it ^^
Cataclystiq Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Those are some dark thoughts you harbor there O_O!!
Well anyway, here's your requested critique:-
Vision: 4/5 Originality: 4.5/5 Technique: 3.5/5 Impact: 4/5
Well vision and originality were pretty good, and actually I found the style quite original, as not many writers use "child" in a poem expressing ill-morbid thoughts of brutality and aggression. Your technique, was, well, somewhat lacking. There were no rhyming words, or any specific style for that matter, which could've contributed greatly to the poem. But the impact was noteworthy! I think that because you used the word "child". That gives it a real vibe of horror and inflicted cruelty. I actually feel that if used correctly, that single word might transform a normal horror poem into a hauntingly monstrous poem.
Well so thats 16/20 which is 80%. Hope this helped!
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2013
Thank you so very much for this nice critique :D I was aware that technique was probably not going to win any prizes in this one, but the most important part to me was getting the feelings through, and the impact of it :) And with 4/5 on that, I would say it is a success :D So, I am happy with the two high "scores" on the points that is important to me :D Thank you!
As for the dark thoughts, well, my mind is a place of darkness and light, and I don't always control which of those sides my inspiration pounces from :D Just like most other artists, no? :D But I assure you, I am really a nice person *Grins*
Delphoene Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Very intense, I like it!
Ridderkvinden Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2013
Thank you :D Glad you like it :D
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