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Submitted on
July 5, 2013
File Size
721 bytes


276 (who?)
Sleep child
Pretend the carousel of life doesn't make you queasy
Dance in the spider webs they ensnare you within
To eventually drain you.

Dance child
Entangle the strings attached to your body and soul
Let them try to solve the knots and tangles
Slip away when cut.

Sing child
Let your silent cries call out to Heaven above
Deafen the devils and the tormentors of Hell
Even though you're mute.

Kill child
Make them pay and make them all bleed out
Shroud them in spider webs and their dangling threads
Then go to sleep.
Out of nowhere, this struck down. Any and all feedback is as always highly appreciated :)
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WhisperingWillow19 Jul 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
o.o I. Love. This. It is so amazing. I have had similar sensations and well experiences that relate to this very, very well. Wonderful.

fayjan19 Jul 12, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i am still a child...and always will be
:D In some ways, most of us always will be, somewhere deep inside :)
fayjan19 Jul 13, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
aaa yes ..forever n ever more!
BlueDiamondSnow Jul 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
What's sad about this, is too many children in this world probably need this lullaby sung to them. Excellent.
Thank you very much for the sweet comment :D I am happy you like it ^^
Cataclystiq Jul 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Those are some dark thoughts you harbor there O_O!!
Well anyway, here's your requested critique:-
Vision: 4/5 Originality: 4.5/5 Technique: 3.5/5 Impact: 4/5
Well vision and originality were pretty good, and actually I found the style quite original, as not many writers use "child" in a poem expressing ill-morbid thoughts of brutality and aggression. Your technique, was, well, somewhat lacking. There were no rhyming words, or any specific style for that matter, which could've contributed greatly to the poem. But the impact was noteworthy! I think that because you used the word "child". That gives it a real vibe of horror and inflicted cruelty. I actually feel that if used correctly, that single word might transform a normal horror poem into a hauntingly monstrous poem.
Well so thats 16/20 which is 80%. Hope this helped!
Thank you so very much for this nice critique :D I was aware that technique was probably not going to win any prizes in this one, but the most important part to me was getting the feelings through, and the impact of it :) And with 4/5 on that, I would say it is a success :D So, I am happy with the two high "scores" on the points that is important to me :D Thank you!
As for the dark thoughts, well, my mind is a place of darkness and light, and I don't always control which of those sides my inspiration pounces from :D Just like most other artists, no? :D But I assure you, I am really a nice person *Grins*
Delphoene Jul 9, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Very intense, I like it!
Thank you :D Glad you like it :D
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